The Soft Sea Witch

Growing up, lack of self-confidence meant grabbing whatever would fit, generally stylish or otherwise. Jeans, band tees, and sweatshirts disguised rolls and lumps that subjected me to pushes down stairs or into lockers. Less access and low self-esteem made me bury myself externally and internally. Since I didn’t order online, my only options were JCPenney, Lane Bryant, Dress Barn, and Avenue. (Nothing makes an alternative teen feel less themselves than anything from those stores.)

I’ve spent 10-15 years experimenting with clothes I like, and I’m (finally) fully leaning into the aesthetic I love at almost 33. This wasn’t without struggles about being worth doing so, either. Figuring out what you like as someone who spent half their life not wanting to exist is a journey, and I want to celebrate that journey with you today. (I also want to giggle through some of your stories in the comments!)

College Exploration

Was I any more confident than I was in high school going into college? Absolutely not. But did I finally have access to online shopping? Yes, and my first stop was Hot Topic a couple years before Torrid’s ownership transfer.

That purchase was a black corset tank top with a lace-up in the front, a little too snug around the waist and a black dress with lace sleeves. Those were the most “goth” things I owned aside from two pairs of spooky leggings from Rainbow. I still did most of my shopping at the stores I mentioned before. I bought a beautiful burgundy kimono top from Kiyonna that I still have in 2026. Otherwise, still mostly wore jeans and tees. I also ended a colorful, boho-ish phase through Lane Bryant thinking maybe I was a hippie. (Spoiler alert: I’m not.)

My Explorative 20s & Early-Early 30s

Unmedicated and seeping with grief and self-hatred, darkness masked any sense of me shortly after college. I spent almost a year as a shell, fermenting in my own filth on a therapist’s couch weekly. I slowly took care of myself, which gave me the oomph to go shopping in person. I didn’t have much in the sense of goth clothing still. However, I made the step to pick items I genuinely liked (a big step from the past).

The majority of my 20s fashion exploration came in my late 20s. Did it partially stem from a need for external validation from strangers and a partner? Yeah, it did; I’m honest about that. Nonetheless, I did start feeling pretty hot. I ventured out into the faux leather legging and booty shorts world, black and red crop tops, low-cut blouses, fishnets, and whatever heels my wide, flat feet could manage.

After moving to New England at 31, everything I knew crumbling behind me, I reverted to hiding and rotting. I dressed up occasionally going out with my unintentional rebound. I tried out color to combat the awful feelings I had inside with no luck. Other than dressing up for him, though, I spent life in my pajamas. Pajama living started again completely after that situation ended before Christmas and up until the last month or two since working from home doesn’t help.

A Cohesive 32 (Near 33)

“You’re not goth.”

Those words from my ex-gatekeeper twisted through the gyri and sulci of my brain until they hit pettiness and spite. Underneath the animal print and occasional pink I do like, I’ve always been a romantic goth kid. I love black, crimson, and deep violets. Bell sleeves tickle me, and so do beautiful skirts. Oddities, horror, and the macabre bring me comfort and intrigue; I’ve never been “normal”. Who was he to tell me who I am?

I’ve shopped quite a bit (even when I shouldn’t), and I have a closet even fuller of happy black. Lace, bell sleeves, chains, mesh, the works — it’s all in there. Those clothes gave me comfort and bravery to go out into my local scene for the first time in my life because I felt good about myself on my own. Now, I don’t need compliments to make me feel falsely confident. I’m wholly me, and I feel a warmth in my chest seeing myself in the mirror even if I’m not happy with everything I see.

Not only have I committed to a style that makes me me, but I’m also discovering new brands I’ve never purchased before. (Forest Ink was a new one for me, and holy great quality!) As I shop, I’m excited to check out other sustainable brands like Foxblood, La Femme en Noir, Trued Apparel, and more. (I do want to thrift, too; it’s just hard doing so when you’re chubby sometimes.)

I’m showcasing outfits in posts to come. But thanks for reading, and I hope your self-exploration journey is a smooth one!