The Soft Sea Witch

Today is day one of my 33rd year around the sun, and it’s a chill one after my early birthday first visit to Salem with my friend a couple days ago. Day five of my six-day birthday staycation/my actual birthday comes to you from Caf Bar’s beautiful big window.

A giant chocolate chip cookie treat rests on a platter, deliciously soft and half-eaten. My beverage goblin self also has a bottle of water on one side of me and my favorite iced wildberry hibiscus tea on the other one. I came here for peace, but also for thought going into a new year and age.

As I reflect today, I firstly can’t believe I’m here. (When you spend half your life waiting for the follow-through to take yourself out, you don’t expect this.) I stare out this window towards steady small beach town traffic acknowledging the surrealness of it all. The third dragonfly I’ve seen today flutters by, and the disbelief that this is my life gives me a smack.

I live in a beautiful place a mere bus ride away from the ocean after living landlocked my whole life. I’m able to hold down responsibilities without losing my ever-loving mind. I’ve taken my life in my own hands for the first time ever. And, even through heartaches, I’m thriving and learning every day. Gratitude swells throughout my chest for being here, but I also recognize the reality of what brought me here.

Everyone Makes Mistakes

I was never not accountable for the final blow in my first breakup that brought me to New England; however, I wasn’t accountable enough for the last year or two of our relationship and had a poor attitude/perspective including an earlier post on here. (It takes two, but still.)

I know I’m not a bad person and deserve a good life like anyone else (though sometimes my brain disagrees). Despite being a good person, I did some shitty things no matter the explanations of grief or fear for them.

I couldn’t make the tough choices to make myself happy, which would have included leaving sooner and probably with less pain inflicted. I was always frustrated about living in Pennsylvania anyway, a place that made me miserable regardless of the love I had for my partner. But I was “comfortable” because I loved him and his company. The less I had keeping me there, though, the worse my depression outbursts got towards the poor guy who only ever tried to make me happy.

Once my Bachan died and my mom moved further away, that frustrated/unsatisfied part of me snapped. I leapt out of full-time work to “follow my passions” in music locally and on the road (aka run away from everything and everyone). That forced him to carry the both of us, the dog, and eventually the five guinea pigs also while I had no idea when my next paycheck was and partied between panic attacks.

When I’d come home to something breaking or the dog being a jerk, I’d snap that I wondered why I even came home. It was cruel, and I hate that I did any of that, mentally unwell and spiraling or not. I deserved to lose everything to some extent; I had to.

And then the good ol’ rebound once we broke up and I got to New England because a narcissist roped me in two months single, also hurting the good ex. I remember telling my friends who took me in and my therapist how it wasn’t a rebound and I knew this was fated. I wasn’t wrong about it being fated…as my first bad/abusive relationship to teach me a life lesson. Yippee! (I’m thankful I got out despite doing so hurting since it was the right choice.)

Coming Back Better

If going through the last year and a half’s shown me anything, it’s shown me that I’m resilient and can bounce back better than before. You see the stories of people changing their lives and finding happiness, but it’s hard to see yourself as that person with chronic depression. But I’m here and happy and learning from where I went wrong, hoping my good ex is healing and also learning what he deserves from the crappy things he went through with me.

I don’t have a ton of new friends up here, but I have a few. And I’m learning a few good apples is all I really need. I used to be focused on the quantity to feel validated and loved when you actually feel more valued when you have a few folks who really, really love you and will go out of their way for you. The other lesson, too? My value doesn’t come from how others value me. I need to value myself for being myself and recognizing how far I’ve come.

In a year and a half, I transformed from a music industry party girl dependent on everyone else fixing my problems to an independent adult taking the reins to find my path and unlearn what’s never served me. (Spoiler: it’s difficult as shit.) Incessant survival mode’s softened into peace and trust in the Universe that I’m protected and can make it through anything as long as I keep trying. And I may be close to living 100% on my own; we’ll see how that hunt goes.

I’m genuinely excited to see what 33 has in store. I’m ready, too.