I grew up a lover of what people find weird or macabre. Growing up in the woods had me catching toads and salamanders in the yard to entertain myself. My tiny third grade class lizards found their home in my room after school ended. (You’ll have to join our Patreon Coven for a funny story involving those little guys.) And my 7th grade science teacher’s corn snake was my bestie.
I was a sensitive little ghoul, but I also really loved dead things’ anatomies. Looking at a dissection frog spread eagle in 7th grade, empathy for it and intrigue went to war. On one hand, it saddened me that the frog died. (I was and still am a sensitive little bean.) Simultaneously, it fascinated me seeing the small kidneys, lungs, and heart — imagining those parts moving inside such a little body.
My fondest preteen memories are thanks to my mother’s friend, an adjunct veterinary professor. I vividly recall helping her prepare for the students’ lab the next day. My eyes widened when she walked me over to a large freezer and walked me through setup…including placing dissection cat specimens on each table. Once more, I was saddened about deceased cats but excited to see them.
As a token of thanks, she gave me a clear carrying case to ogle for a while. There were preserved animals and animal limbs; I was thrilled. I took that case to school and showed the few friends I had the lynx paw, dead tarantula, snake skin, and more excitedly.
I only felt more alone after they looked horrified/creeped out, and I had no categorization for my interests.
Once I hit high school, I found goth rock and “goth-adjacent” bands thanks to high school friends and strangers on the Internet I had no business talking to. (I covered the first albums and bands that got me into goth in “Albums That Opened the Coffin Lid”.) As a poet, the depth of the lyricism I heard from Robert Smith astounded me. The eeriness of the instrumentals sent good shivers through me, haunting every nerve.
And the look? I was enamored seeing an image on Google of a woman wearing lace and a corset. I couldn’t dress that way at the time, but I knew that’s how I wanted to look one day. My dream hair as a teen, too, was classic Sean Brennan black with chunky red streaks. (Mom didn’t let me…boo.) Sky high boots, fishnet, and leather filled my mind for my dream self.
I was hooked until my early twenties when I got more involved in the hair metal scene/taste of music. I never did quite fit in, though. I’d go to Faster Pussycat or Santa Cruz shows looking vampy rather than retro. I had deeper interests than the people I surrounded myself with. Every friendship felt like I was hunting others down or camouflaging like a chameleon so they’d like me.
I entered Rhode Island a shell of a person in 2025. I had no semblance of who I was without people around me or a role as an identity. While I didn’t find myself better until after my last breakup, that relationship did reinvigorate my love for gothic music and aesthetic/decor. (Yay dating a goth guy even if he sucked?)
As I started life truly on my own, new chances for adventure arrived.
I spent time at home finding “new” (to me) bands and building my dream wardrobe. I wasn’t focused on buying sexy pieces for the male gaze; I bought what I loved. My black donation bag grew heavier as I disposed of my people-pleasing facades.
Dressing myself wasn’t the challenge, though; participating in the community was.
Goth events were few and far between where I lived in Pennsylvania, so I never attended a goth night. Providence has two nights monthly (Procession and Nokturnal), which meant the participation door opened. I took a half day on a Tuesday night and took the bus in to Procession — the more “trad goth”/death rock night. And I had an absolute blast dancing to Sisters of Mercy and Bauhaus, vodka soda in hand. I even struck up conversation with strangers when clubs usually give me anxiety.
Now that I’m living in Salem, I’m excited to join the local community and attend the local goth events. My anxiety flutters about thinking about trying to make new friends; however, I know I just have to keep attending and give it time.
Right now, I’m just happy to be home.
If you’re a fellow goth ghoul, which bands/artists got you into the subculture? I’d love to chat music in the comments and take any obscure recommendations!
Let’s Discuss!